Daredevil Message Board

rgj · Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 3:12 pm Post subject:

Please, don't listen to Francesco.
Utter brilliance!
Really nice touch!
Elektra's bandana is the pièce de résistance!

Clearly, you have thought it all out.
Really good ideas you have.
And, I just hope my story is as interesting as what you've presented.
Please, continue to update us.
!
!
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rgj

Darediva · Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 3:14 pm Post subject:

Words of advice here, Jax... I'm not sure if English is your first language or not, judging by some of the errors in your posting. Spellcheck is your friend. That little red line that pops up under some words? That means you have incorrectly spelled something.

You need to cut down on the use of capital letters in the midst of everything. Proper names get caps, not every noun on the page.

I'm not going to get into critiquing your story, as you've just begun to think about it, and need to do a whole lot more research and reading of the original Daredevil stories before you can even start to write a continuum of the character's lineage.

You've come here asking what people think. Be prepared to hear just that, ok?

Every story can have potential. You just need to work on it for a while before you float it by some hardcore fans like you will find here. Good luck, and keep working on it.
_________________
Alice

Those who throw dirt merely lose ground.

Francesco · Underboss Joined: 08 Jun 2006 Posts: 1307

Jackson Natchios · Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 4:26 pm Post subject:

Francesco · Underboss Joined: 08 Jun 2006 Posts: 1307

Hi Jackson, I've been studying the elements you've provided us in your previous posts and I've elaborated some improvements/tweaks you could use:

About the general attitude, I know that Solid Snake is cool, but you should understand that his "trust no one" "violent behaviour" "cold personality" mix is very unoriginal, and if we wanna say it all, very infantile.
Heroes that have this attitude usually appeal a lot to kids and immature readers. It's a childish personality. It's the "don't contradict me or I break everything" that you find in capricious, spoiled brats.
Compensating it with a "yeah, but deep down he has a kind heart" is simplistic and smells of fake a mile away.
Why should his kind heart be buried "deep down"? Is having a kind heart a weakness? Hiding it because it is considered uncool is a sign of weakness.

Regarding his appearance, the outfit is okay, but what's with this "built-like-a-tank" physique? One would imagine that the son of two agility-based characters like Daredevil and Elektra would rather have an "acrobatic" physique, especially considered that he was trained in martial arts by his mother since a very young age. He should look like a gymnast. I know that you're going to say "oh, but he's also agile", but it's the impression you give to the reader that counts, and saying that he's "built like a tank" kills it, if you ask me.

About the weapons he uses, are you sure you're going with Elektra's sais? The Sai is somewhat feminine, reminds too much of Elektra, especially if you decide to keep the bandanna. And it's used to kill, mostly. Elektra, an assassin, kills and uses weapons that can easily pierce/cut. Daredevil doesn't use such weapons, and kills as a very last resort.
A good compromise could be having your character use a jutte.
It's similar to a sai. It's an unusual weapon to see in comics, has the right oriental touch, but is normally not used to kill. Jackson could have his own unique style combining DD's techniques with the use of the jutte.

http://www.budoshinjujitsu.org/JutteFeb2001.html

rgj · Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 3:39 pm Post subject:

james castle · Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 5:24 pm Post subject:

Unfortuneately, I agree with Francesco. Plus, I'll add: what's the point of having Jackson be the son of Daredevil? As you've described him thus far he seems like a burly, militaristic type dude. I.e. the exact opposite of Daredevil. It's not that Matt Murdock is anti-S.H.E.I.L.D. but he would definately wouldn't fit into that environment. He's an urban hero, not a Nick Fury type.

The only connections I can see between Matt/Elektra and Jackson is the ninja thing and Matt's senses. The problem, however, is that Matt's senses are something he developed (with the help of Stick). He couldn't pass them on to his child anymore than you could pass along the ability to read.

Also: Bishop? Really? Why not toss Gambit in there and have a full cheesy anti-hero party?
_________________
JC

So why can't you see the funny side?
Why aren't you laughing?

Jackson Natchios · Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 1:57 pm Post subject:

I have been working on a couple of tweeks and plot holes within my story for Jackson.. As for the Sai's I only have Jackson use those for either a desprate moment when he really needs to use them or making a statement (What Im Writing for in a future story) youll see why.. I do like the Idea of the Jutte though and I will have him get a concept for them in the future..

As for the Bishop thing I thought it thru and I really think it is lame come to think of it so I slashed that Idea out and just limit it to DD, Elektra, Iron Fist, Luke Cage, Foggy. As well him making friends from High School..

Francesco · Underboss Joined: 08 Jun 2006 Posts: 1307

So? Whatever happened to the "child of sin"?

rgj · Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:38 am Post subject:

Patience!
Understand that high quality work takes time!
Responsible writers don't compromise their work by rushing it.
Everyone must be patient.

Clearly we are all excited about this story.
Revolutionizing this character is no easy task.
A feat only done once by frank miller (and now jackson!)
Please be patient, and we will soon be rewarded.
_________________
rgj

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